latest entry:
sunday, 6pm
7/13/2025
i’m feeling GREAT! and i’d like to change the nature of my blog a bit, at least for the time being. today i realized the distinct scent of a fragrance ad in a magazine will soon be completely behind us. perfume, paper, glue. when i’d visit my extended family as a kid, my cousin and i would always ask for magazines in the checkout line — teen magazines, fashion magazines, or tabloids — and flip through them in the living room with our cotton candy sodas, pretending we were teenagers, aka the coolest people in the world.
various ex-lovers are crossing my mind less and less. with a few of them, i’ve had a sort of pity for their new girlfriends. i think this robs them of agency, though. it’s an easier narrative to digest: oh girls, get out of there. you’re too smart for him. and you’re too cool for him. break free! but the more discontenting reality is they truly love these men in a way i never could. unlike me, they do not feel trapped, occasionally mortified, et cetera. they do not observe these men the way i did, they do not challenge the repulsive thoughts, behaviors, biases and perversions they are subjected to regularly because they either do not detect them or do not mind them. happily, they play the girlfriend role well. i now understand that i never will. thank god!
i haven’t been listening to a lot of music lately. i have found a handful of cool electro records to add to my dj library, and i’ve been working on a mix to burn for a friend. i’ve been playing lungs by big black on my drives home from work because i feel cool blaring it from my car in the summer heat. i’ve mostly been listening to old episodes of rupaul and michelle visage’s podcast to be honest! i’m still wincing through lolita. i do enjoy nabokov’s writing so i might check out something else by him later on. i started boogiepop phantom and i hooked it up to the CRT, which looks freaking awesome. i might have to abandon fraud by david rakoff because his vocabulary is distracting and it really just makes me want to read david sedaris instead.
it’s the start of my weekend, usually, but i am working a rare tuesday this week (right after a doctor’s appointment that i finally scheduled) and got my saturday shift covered for a lake day of which i actually haven’t quite worked out the logistics yet. i consolidated and cleaned up my makeup earlier and i’m craving a visit to Ulta… i am choosing to not acknowledge how my recent efforts to feminize myself coincide with the current political zeitgeist. frankly, i don’t really care.
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