blog archive > june 2025
sunday, 6:30pm
6/22/2025
your childlike grin
and the twitch of your brow
my stomach turns
when i remember you this way
warm
and repulsive
∗ ∗ ∗
sometimes when i'm falling asleep, often in the daytime, it feels like i'm getting fuzzy television signals from other dimensions. not like i'm passing between waking and sleeping, but like past, present and future are taking turns passing through me. the time and space i'm in feels unreal and transient, both nostalgic and brand new, suddenly, briefly. the light from the sun is especially soft and pure.
starting last summer, it's very common that i have lucid dreams when trying to fall asleep. it scared me at first, but i ease into it now. sometimes in the dream i am thrashing around, certain that i'm making a mess on the other side, though i never am. sometimes i'm having sex, but with nobody. the dreams always take place in my bed and last only a few minutes. it's kind of annoying and i don't like how my heart is racing when i shake myself out of them.
i'm feeling more like a human being at my job after spending some time with my coworkers outside of work. i'm feeling more like a human being everywhere, really. tonight (as i'm writing this) is the summer solstice, aptly timed. i ordered stamps to send letters and a disc drive to burn mixes. it's easier to brush my teeth twice a day.
thursday, 3:30pm
6/12/2025
every generation has their party promoters, rich kids that were popular in high school and want to keep the momentum going into their twenties. when i was younger those intentions were clear – partying and popularity. nowadays they cleverly identify as "community organizers", though operate as a fraternity, surrounding themselves with hot girls and yes men, ticking off philanthropy events for their resumes. their support for the community begins and ends at throwing parties, sending a check to some local organization, and patting themselves on the back before quickly sourcing their next ketamine fix. meaningful conflict resolution isn't really in their wheelhouse. i was once barred from a "community event", as was someone that sexually assaulted me, to "avoid drama". that someone still showed up, of course, and was not asked to leave. keeping the peace is the main objective, which usually means throwing the most vulnerable members of the community to the wayside for the greater good. being traumatized and lacking resources, speaking out against discrimination, bias and abuse you're facing, it kinda ruins the mood. there's a bit of incongruence then, when these "community organizers" insist that they provide a safe space for the marginalized. the reality is that you must be marginalized in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable, that doesn't ruin the fantasy. at least when they simply called themselves promoters, it didn't sting as much when they turned out to be assholes.
archive
6/22/2025
your childlike grin
and the twitch of your brow
my stomach turns
when i remember you this way
warm
and repulsive
∗ ∗ ∗
sometimes when i'm falling asleep, often in the daytime, it feels like i'm getting fuzzy television signals from other dimensions. not like i'm passing between waking and sleeping, but like past, present and future are taking turns passing through me. the time and space i'm in feels unreal and transient, both nostalgic and brand new, suddenly, briefly. the light from the sun is especially soft and pure.
starting last summer, it's very common that i have lucid dreams when trying to fall asleep. it scared me at first, but i ease into it now. sometimes in the dream i am thrashing around, certain that i'm making a mess on the other side, though i never am. sometimes i'm having sex, but with nobody. the dreams always take place in my bed and last only a few minutes. it's kind of annoying and i don't like how my heart is racing when i shake myself out of them.
i'm feeling more like a human being at my job after spending some time with my coworkers outside of work. i'm feeling more like a human being everywhere, really. tonight (as i'm writing this) is the summer solstice, aptly timed. i ordered stamps to send letters and a disc drive to burn mixes. it's easier to brush my teeth twice a day.
thursday, 3:30pm
6/12/2025
every generation has their party promoters, rich kids that were popular in high school and want to keep the momentum going into their twenties. when i was younger those intentions were clear – partying and popularity. nowadays they cleverly identify as "community organizers", though operate as a fraternity, surrounding themselves with hot girls and yes men, ticking off philanthropy events for their resumes. their support for the community begins and ends at throwing parties, sending a check to some local organization, and patting themselves on the back before quickly sourcing their next ketamine fix. meaningful conflict resolution isn't really in their wheelhouse. i was once barred from a "community event", as was someone that sexually assaulted me, to "avoid drama". that someone still showed up, of course, and was not asked to leave. keeping the peace is the main objective, which usually means throwing the most vulnerable members of the community to the wayside for the greater good. being traumatized and lacking resources, speaking out against discrimination, bias and abuse you're facing, it kinda ruins the mood. there's a bit of incongruence then, when these "community organizers" insist that they provide a safe space for the marginalized. the reality is that you must be marginalized in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable, that doesn't ruin the fantasy. at least when they simply called themselves promoters, it didn't sting as much when they turned out to be assholes.
archive