sunday, 6:30pm
6/22/2025
your childlike grin
and the twitch of your brow
my stomach turns
when i remember you this way
warm
and repulsive
sometimes when i'm falling asleep, often in the daytime, it feels like i'm getting fuzzy television signals from other dimensions. not like i'm passing between waking and sleeping, but like past, present and future are taking turns passing through me. the time and space i'm in feels unreal and transient, both nostalgic and brand new, suddenly, briefly. the light from the sun is especially soft and pure.
starting last summer, it's very common that i have lucid dreams when trying to fall asleep. it scared me at first, but i ease into it now. sometimes in the dream i am thrashing around, certain that i'm making a mess on the other side, though i never am. sometimes i'm having sex, but with nobody. the dreams always take place in my bed and last only a few minutes. it's kind of annoying and i don't like how my heart is racing when i shake myself out of them.
i'm feeling more like a human being at my job after spending some time with my coworkers outside of work. i'm feeling more like a human being everywhere, really. tonight (as i'm writing this) is the summer solstice, aptly timed. i ordered stamps to send letters and a disc drive to burn mixes. it's easier to brush my teeth twice a day.
monday, 9:30am
6/16/2025
week of 6/9
thursday
lately i am being pestered by a bad thought, a wicked, vindictive thought i should know better than to have, alas, upon aspiring to write, i am aspiring to own my truth, and consequently admit a tendency to indulge in poor taste now and then. besides, this thought is an honest question: how do you pick up a stimulant habit and gain weight?
at last, my bad thought has been released into the ether. and i do feel better for it.
friday
i’m currently debating whether or not to go to the wine bar. for those not in the loop, i am on month six(?) of not having wifi at home, and i’d like to work on my website, listen to some music, download a few movies using completely legal methods. my alcohol consumption has become suspiciously under control. it helps that i have been working at 8 or 9 o’clock in the morning through the weekends, but even on days or nights i could certainly get drunk i don’t feel the inclination. the fruity cocktail from work ends up in the fridge for a week after a few sips, some of which even being sacrificed as bait for gnats. the half-empty beer i bring back to my apartment gets poured down the drain. the fiendish tendencies get their start, but there’s no followthrough. that being said, i’m actually worried that i might order a drink at the wine bar and then decide i don’t want it, but i’m already going to be alone in the corner on a friday evening, saving photos of anime girls and mid century lamps to my pinterest boards. to be drinking a soda water on top of it all would be masochistic.
this week i started lolita (which i had no idea was funny) and fraud by david rakoff. they’re both a good time, and both reminders of my own pathetic vocabulary. it’s been raining — i’m enjoying being sleepy and a bit of a hermit, though i have been putting off grocery shopping, which isn’t good. i’ve just used the bathroom and realized i’m out of toilet paper, so i guess i’ll be bringing an extra-large bag to the wine bar.
sunday
just a regular entry today, no writing exercises in disguise. i got some bar training after close (most of the “hearts” i poured resembling testicles), picked up my soy sauce marinade from a friend’s house and dropped off some kale and cilantro and we went on a walk to the fake beach they installed on our street. drinking peach juice. i woke up at 5:30am (around two hours early) so i’m tired but it feels nice. i finally went to the gym yesterday and walked as fast as i could for one mile. and i got groceries! am i allowed to say i “found” a blanket online when in reality it was a personalized ad? i ordered it as well as an air purifier. i feel happy.
∗
thursday, 3:30pm
6/12/2025
every generation has their party promoters, rich kids that were popular in high school and want to keep the momentum going into their twenties. when i was younger those intentions were clear – partying and popularity. nowadays they cleverly identify as "community organizers", though operate as a fraternity, surrounding themselves with hot girls and yes men, ticking off philanthropy events for their resumes. their support for the community begins and ends at throwing parties, sending a check to some local organization, and patting themselves on the back before quickly sourcing their next ketamine fix. meaningful conflict resolution isn't really in their wheelhouse. i was once barred from a "community event", as was someone that sexually assaulted me, to "avoid drama". that someone still showed up, of course, and was not asked to leave. keeping the peace is the main objective, which usually means throwing the most vulnerable members of the community to the wayside for the greater good. being traumatized and lacking resources, speaking out against discrimination, bias and abuse you're facing, it kinda ruins the mood. there's a bit of incongruence then, when these "community organizers" insist that they provide a safe space for the marginalized. the reality is that you must be marginalized in a way that doesn't make them uncomfortable, that doesn't ruin the fantasy. at least when they simply called themselves promoters, it didn't sting as much when they turned out to be assholes.
archive