8/8/2025
feeling: content
once again i’m thinking about intimacy — particularly the vulnerability that comes with it. it’s inevitable i guess, since moving to a new city prompts you to become closer to new people over and over again. i’m observing myself in this constant practice. i really want to be aware of the ways i respond to intimacy that aren’t good for me. i met with a behavioral therapist this week during my first visit with my new pcp who really wanted us to introduce ourselves. i’m crying now, because i can’t understand how serendipitous my decision to move here has continued to prove itself. in the past five months i have experienced so much catharsis. last year felt like every one of my worst nightmares coming to life at once. this year, since i have moved here, everything feels right.
conversely, i've been experiencing a kind of abstract, detached melancholy for the last week or so. i can feel that i'm processing things deeply. those nightmares come to life had been knocking around my brain for the majority of this year as i desperately tried to make sense of them, but as i'm settling into this new life, at a safe distance, my thoughts have drifted from that place in time. it's up to my subconscious now, and i have faith that it will know what to do. furthermore, i've been having the good ol' mother wound-induced stress dreams more frequently than ever. it's been heavy around here. but in my 30th year, especially as my 31st creeps closer, i have such gratitude for the ebb and flow, the constant transformation. i am so excited for the rest of my life! 
i've been showing up to pinball club more often lately. it just turned 6 months old! i was lucky enough to get a copy of this awesome zine james made to celebrate.
i should stop smoking weed at pinball though. i get really nervous, can't tell if i'm acting weird and end up feeling like a big freakazoid. it ruins my charisma and swag. sometimes i say things and immediately feel like this image, but with more pity than judgment. yeah i should stop getting high.
my schedule has changed at work so that i'm no longer working through the weekend. yay! i've also had some pretty good thrifting and record store finds lately, but am too lazy to photograph them. you can check out my new cds here, though ;-) i found a functioning vcr player at the bins, so i can finally start collecting vhs tapes! it feels so nice to have physical media after all this time with nothing to fill a bookshelf. speaking of which, i started reading trainspotting. i actually grew so accustomed to reading the scottish dialect that i was disappointed to start a new chapter without it. it's a fun challenge and forces me to take my time — i'm guilty of reading a little too fast sometimes. after i finish the book i'm going to rewatch the movie after 15 years. i don't think i even finished it in high school, i was too deep in the normie conformity trenches to "get" things that were too artsy. *groan*
that's pretty much all that's going on around here. just making it through that last stretch of summer. i hope those reading this enjoy the new format! i'm proud of myself for staying committed to the website and learning new things about coding. it's been so rewarding ^_^ cya!
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